Saturday, December 25, 2010
Today isn't about the material things. It's about God.
Church last night really put it into perspective for me. We give each other gifts, but we forget that God gave us the most precious gift of all: Himself.
The way I saw it last night, is if God can put himself in a box (or in His case, a woman), and give Himself to us to save us from ourselves, then why can't we do the same for Him?
To truly let go of ourselves and let Him in. That's what we need this season. We think that a miracle at this time of the year is getting along with our relatives and enjoying the hard moments, but the real miracle is Him. The miracle that gives us life.
Learned a fun fact about Jesus yesterday.
The Bible has so many prophecies about the Messiah. There are so many little things that were said that the Christ would be, that there is a 1 in 100,000,000,000,000,000 chance that a person could fit all of those prophecies and requirements. My pastor put it into perspective. If you were to take a quarter, and put a circle on it, and put it in with 99,999,999,999,999,999 others, they would cover the entire state of Michigan TEN FEET TALL. Now find that one quarter that has a circle on it. That's the odds of finding the one person in the world that would fit all the old prophecies. It would take a miracle!
And God GAVE us that miracle. He gave us HIMSELF. It's hard to even comprehend.
And I forget that. It's hard to remember when I'm overloaded with the holiday stress on my shoulders. I love my family, but that doesn't mean that it's not hard at this time of the year.
First and foremost, it's Christmas. That's a given, considering the post date on this blog will be marked the 25th of December.
I'll go ahead and say I'm a little...disappointed with my family. I worked so hard to make this Christmas morning great for my family, but I feel like the thoughtfulness was all in vain. I feel like no one noticed how hard I've worked.
The only thoughtful gift I received was a gift certificate to my favorite sushi restaurant from my brother-in-law.
It's just irritating, I guess, because even my parents don't know me well enough to pick out shirts that I would wear. I'm literally returning half of what I received this morning, and I have no idea what I'll do with the money that I get.
Right now, I just want to crawl in my bed and sleep, but I can't. Ugh.
I just feel...really unfortunate. I log on to facebook and hear "I got everything I wanted!" and stuff like that. Parents going all-out on their kids, significant others showering each other...I just...UGH.
It's gross to me. And what's worse is that I feel really selfish for even saying this, because a huge part of the world doesn't even have the money to have such a 'celebration' on a day like today.
Then there's the problem that I've been having with punctuality. I can not STAND when someone doesn't show up when they're supposed to. It's been happening more and more lately, and the people I count on the most have been proving to be incredibly unreliable. I literally can not handle it.
I've been having big troubles finding a way to express myself. Today is one of them. Because of my family, I need to be happy and attempt to enjoy the fact that there's 16 people in my house and a bunch of screaming children. But that's incredibly difficult when the back of my mind is sobbing about what isn't happening in front of me. And then there's my troubles with being able to talk to people. I'm always so worried about pissing some people of by explaining what I'm feeling, so I just don't say anything. I just don't want this right now.
I'm sick of people shoving their perfect lives in my face. I just want to be alone for a while.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
But for some reason, these past few days have been really hard. I'm big on punctuality of people, and I really can't deal with people canceling plans on me. It's been happening a lot these past few days, and it's really irritating.
That and for some reason, a lot of past frustrations that I've just ignored have been resurfacing on my mind. Certain obligations are just overwhelming, even when they typically wouldn't be. Right now, I just really need to feel God's presence more than ever, and it's been really hard for me to get in touch with Him recently. It's not like I don't read my Bible or pray or even talk to Him, but it's just difficult to really feel it.
I'm hoping that this Christmas time will fix that up. I'm amazed at His grace, and I think that the whole Christmas reminder is a good way to return me to where I need to be.
I've been thinking a lot about closure lately. Closure that I haven't given, or that I've never received. I don't know why it just keeps coming into my mind...it makes me really sad.
Some seem to think that I owe them something. What? Now that just makes me angry.
My brother is now a man. He's 18 today. I'm AMAZED.
I just feel down. We'll see what happens next, I guess.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I've been having so much fun shopping and wrapping presents and listening to Handel's Messiah.
Just like last year, there's a big pile of presents under my tree, and none for me. I don't like to sound selfish, but I've been working so hard to get everything sorted out, and I feel like no one really is noticing.
It was the same way last year. Then again, what do you get for a 20 year old?
I just wish my family felt as creative and spirited as I do. I'm loving this season. I've been wrapping presents all day, and now I'm working on finding a white elephant gift to give to my secret santa next saturday at the work party.
Oh goodness me time is flying. Next week wednesday, at around 10 AM, I will be on my way home from my last exam.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
However, it just brought on some thoughts of writing a REAL autobiography. Not that I would exactly know where to begin, and the whole of any autobiography about me would be pretty dry and boring, filled with me and playing GI Joes, Playmobil, and LEGOs with my brother, Pete.
It made me think though, about the main points of my life. I can't think back enough and focus on stages of my life. I hardly even remember middle school. I remember being in that massive co-ed clique, and us always trying to hang out and date and never succeeding.
Go from there to high school. That was when I really noticed my family, and how complicated we are. My sisters got pregnant, then my brother got his girlfriend pregnant, and I realized how different we really are.
Some serious spiritual battles were fought, and some complicated emotional issues were revealed. I found a new clique, and started to find myself.
Now I look at it all, going from all the complicated drama and look back on it now.
Vanity is the biggest thing that bothers me at this moment. My sisters. My friends. Even myself. It's frustrating for me to even talk to someone who is so full of him or herself that he or she cannot even acknowledge that mistakes have been made. I can't deal with your ego or the fact that you're so vain.
Maybe that's why my family drives me insane. That's a big reason why I'm happy with where I am in life.
Ugh. My mind is spinning. I can't focus on what I really want to say. Mostly because of what has happened with old blogs of mine; It seems that nothing of mine is really mine anymore. I can't say what's on my mind because I get yelled at for it. Hell, my own sister un-friended me on facebook the other day because I confronted her about one of her problems.
So where's the issue here?
I don't even know.
Friday, December 3, 2010
I want all my stresses to go away, and for everyone to appreciate me.
I wish all my hard work and effort would quit going unnoticed.
Maybe all I want for Christmas is to relax.
...someone get me a day at a spa.
Nah. I want sleep. Endless sleep that is no longer interrupted by a sore throat or this relentless stuffy nose.
I want to lay in my bed and cuddle my kitty all day.
I am so incredibly flustered.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sometimes, I really miss all the good times we had.
I carry a camera with me at almost all times. It makes capturing those perfect moments of laughter that much easier.
I saw one of those pictures today. It was from prom, two years ago. It's so strange, to see my face contorted into such an insane grin from laughing my face off with people that I feel like I hardly even know anymore.
If any of them see this, I hope they know that they've helped shape me into the person I've become.
It's not that bad. Sure, I don't know how to trust my closest friends or how to express my opinions without feeling like I'm getting backstabbed, but there are other things, better things, that make me who I've become.
It's easier for me to accept change now. It's much simpler to smile, instead of needing a reason.
I'm glad I have those pictures. I'm glad I can pull them up on facebook whenever I want. I'm happy that those memories are there.
Everything has changed. Everything is going to be different.
And I'm happy.
I really am.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
Was learning cursive really necessary?
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after BluRay? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
"Do not machine was or tumble dry" means I will never wash this--ever.
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after i didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with alcohol than Kay.
I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word someone said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you're going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers. But no matter what the mode of transportation, I will always hate bicyclists.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and pinning the tail on the donkey. But I'd bet my ass that everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
I don't want you to be comfortable with that.
I want you to want to win me over. I want you to want to have my heart.
I'm not saying much because I don't have anything to say to you. I've got plenty to say to my boyfriend, but not to you.
This is not how our relationship should be going.
I deserve more than this.
I just feel so wrong when I'm sitting with you in the car and you're not even noticing me.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
I get incredibly frustrated at big things that I can't handle. It's hard, being me. But everyone says that, don't they?
When there's something I can't take care of, I crawl inside of myself and try to find a way to release it. It used to happen in writing. Now it just happens in tears.
I'm heartbroken. I'm lonely. I'm just a friend.
And the problem here is that the person who could fix it doesn't give a shit.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Fads come and go, styles warp, kids discover drugs and alcohol, and personalities change. I'd like to say that I'm the same person I have always been, but I would be lying to you and myself.
Sometimes I miss those days. The days where all I wanted was to fit in. Where the best thing I could imagine was being different, but still havin friends.
There is no denying it. I'm different than I was a year ago.
I listen to different music, talk about different things, wear different clothes.
Sometimes I just can't see past it all.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
I've been extremely fearful recently. Not only of big things like my future or my relationships, but also of tiny things, like the dark and the bumps in the night. I'm probably just being paranoid, but I can't find a reason for any of it.
Then there's my thoughts. I find myself zombie my way through driving and classes, but somehow it feels like I'm preoccupied with something. I can't hear my own thoughts on it, but I feel like I'm blocked by something. Dread? Fear? Love? I can't figure it out. All I know is that it all makes me feel so alone.
I heard a song this morning that reminded me of a time after Peter Clyde. It was when I had finally been able to and had chosen to move on. He tried to break me. Tried to force me into something I'm not. He wanted me to be a different kind of person. He wanted me to believe he was right in everything, and would never listen to my point of view. But I really understand now, and it makes me stronger. Thinking about what Peter was makes me feel sick. He was such an angry person towards me, and I don't think he'll ever understand that. He wanted me to be like him so badly. But the thing is, I'm me. I won't be anything else, ever. Peter was angry because I was now with one of my friends. A friend who was someone just like me. It makes me feel sick that anyone could be so selfish. Now I'm not suffocating. Now I can relax. Now I'm happy.
Nick, if you see this, you're wonderful. Your imperfections make m love you. Don't ever change.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
But sometimes, it's a lot more difficult than it seems. Sometimes, it's just hard to look someone in the face and tell them exactly what's on your mind.
I'm happy I have the ability, occasionally, to speak exactly what I'm thinking.
It's the reason Nick and I are dating.
I looked him in the face and told him "I like you."
Just thinking about it makes me all warm and fuzzy. :)
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Church this morning was a daze. It sounds bad, but I really couldn't relate to the service whatsoever.
All I learned was that anyone who knows right from wrong and doesn't care about the consequences is, Biblically, a fool.
And the wise shall get wiser, but those who spend time with fools suffer hardship.
No wonder why my family is so messed up.
Thanks a lot, Jodie, Tim, and Ange. You guys are fools.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Stare into space blankly and don’t mentally punish yourself for doing it, even if it is for that split second. If you have a problem with staring blankly, think of it as daydreaming.
Root Beer sucks after having spicy food.
Everything is going to be just fine. If you worry about acne, you’re going to get a fucking pimple.
Don’t be afraid to talk about anything. You shouldn’t be afraid of reality.
Everyone is a hypocrite.
You are all original. Every life experience is case sensitive and unique. Every time you wake up or go to the bathroom or quote someone else, you are becoming more you than anyone has ever been.
Do pointless things. Don’t restrain yourself from the redundant.
Stop rushing. Shut up and embrace the sound of silence.
Religion shouldn’t be taught, it should be found. No one should tell you what to believe except you.
Going to the bathroom is not a right nor a privilege. it’s an act of nature.
Talking to yourself is healthy. Is there anyone that you have more in common with?
There is no such thing as time. The sun never sets or rises. Days and years don’t exist. There is only your life. Earlier today you were born and death is predicted later in the evening.
Look outside and know that everything will be replaced at some point. This existence is temporary.
Its not half empty or half full. Its half a glass. OR the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Every now and then take something that you see everyday and try to see it in a different light. Renew its existence.
Be happy, but don’t force it.
You will always succeed in trying.
We are all crazy. Every person you read about in the history books had some kind of ‘disorder’, they just knew how to use it.
We are all about as similar as we are different.
Ideas are just as valuable as people. Why do you think we keep making people?
Words will always be just words. Love is just another four letter word, only the feeling is real.
Ask a child for advice. They may not know much, but they know what is important.
Prove you’re alive. Do anything from dancing in the supermarket to screaming ‘Fuck’ during a moment of silence. Remind the world you are still here.
Don’t take anything, even this, too seriously.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
#10 - For the most part, what others think doesn’t matter.
In high school, I was a kid who let the opinions of other people largely influence my choices. I always told myself that my choices were my choices, but a lot of them weren't. It was a dumb way to live, considering that now, those people whose opinions I held in such high regard aren’t even a part of my life anymore!
The times when someone else’s opinion of you truly matters are few and far between. Think first impressions, like meeting your significant other’s family, or meeting someone for a job interview.
Don’t let other people rent space in your head. What they think of you isn’t important. What matters most is how you feel about yourself.
#9 - Explore new hobbies and opportunities often.
The only thing I was ever really good at and stayed good at was holding true to my beliefs. That's one of the only things I never EVER cared about anyone thinking of me about. However, there's other things in life that I wanted to try that I always felt like a fool for even considering.
When I cared about what other people might think about me, I never tried new things. I was afraid that if I sucked at something, I’d be embarrassed. To spare myself the embarrassment of being bad at something new, I would never explore opportunities to learn something new, or start a new hobby.
Now I see that I missed out on so much. I never tried out for school sports, the plays or musicals...I was just too scared to put myself out there and express myself.
Nowadays I’m always anxious to put myself out there and learn something new. I sing at karaoke, I do some stupid quirky things, and I play Euchre even though I suck at it. I try to go for new things as they come up, whether it’s a new restaurant, a new drink, or a new pastime. When you try new things, you discover more and more things that you enjoy.
I mean, I never knew I LOVED stir fry until a few months ago. And SUSHI. OH GOD SUSHI.
Currently, I have plans to master the piano, the pool table, the SCUBA, and the pen in my lifetime. They’re things that I know I'll love. Still, if you were to introduce me to a unicycle today, I’d hop right on to try and take it for a spin, fall off, and then hop on again! ....okay maybe not entirely, but still.
As Harold and Maude put it best, “Everyone has the right to make an ass out of themselves. You just can’t let the world judge you too much.”
#8 - Nobody knows what you’re thinking unless you tell them.
People can’t read your mind. This goes for your significant other, your boss, and that hottie you’re too scared to talk to.
Two years ago I was dating someone I no longer wanted to date. I knew that I was unhappy in the relationship, but he didn’t. Consequently, I waited and waited for things to improve, but they never did. I want to scream at myself now: Well no shit things didn’t improve. You never told her anything was wrong!
Relationships can’t improve unless you communicate. I think this applies to work also - if you want a raise and you think you deserve it, I doubt you'll get it unless you ask for it.
Simply put, nobody knows what you want. Don’t wait for someone to come to you, because your blood will boil over.
As for that hottie, if you don’t say anything before he/she walks out that door, then that person is going to walk out of your life forever having never known you. Don’t let it happen. Learn to communicate so people can know you.
#7 - Talk to everyone.
Professors. Classmates. Roommates. Neighbors. Frats. Sororities. Clubs. Students outside of your major. Students outside of your social clique. Returning students that are older than you. Teaching assistants. Resident assistants. Adjuncts. Tutors. Career advisors. Deans. Librarians. Friends. People from your youth group. Pastors. Your congregation. The kids that you play games with.
Why? Networking. When employers look for a good match for a job opening, the first thing they do is ask the people they’re already working with if they know someone who would do well in the position. They tend to look through resumes as a last resort. I know for a fact that the places I work won't hire ANYONE unless they can get a reference from someone who works there. Half the time if I don't know you, I'll tell you that we don't have any job openings or the applications are missing.
Also, live it up, because life is fucking awesome.
#6 - Leave every job on good terms.
No matter how good it might feel to tell your boss to suck it right before storming out of a dead-end job forever, it is never worth it. You will probably need another job someday, and you might just need some good references to get it.
Giving up all opportunities for future recommendations for one fleeting moment to tell your employer what you really think about them is a bad trade. Give two weeks notice, and say thanks for the opportunity to work with them — even if it’s bullshit.
#5 - Pay your dues.
Even though you may have been hot shit in school, or at your last job, it will not grant you the slightest amount of entitlement in a new position for a new employer. In many companies, you’re basically getting in line to wait your turn to move up the ladder, and it may take years to advance beyond positions of indentured servitude.
So take a look around. If you’re absolutely certain you’re on the right career path, then stick to it. Pay your dues. Climb ladders. It will be your turn soon enough.
Besides, persistence shows everyone around you that you're dedicated and you WANT to be there.
#4 - "Invest" in yourself.
When you invest in yourself you can never lose. This applies to everything:
Learn to cook. You’ll save a bajillion dollars on food in your lifetime.
Learn a foreign language. You’ll expand your horizons and be easily employable. I thought spanish was useless, but wow...nope. Totally worth every second of those torturous classes.
Learn to spend less than you earn. You’ll never be broke.
#3 - You can’t change anything by just sitting back and looking at it.
Change requires two things: a conscious decision to accomplish something, and follow-through. If you want something accomplished, then do it now. If it can’t be done now, then do it today. If it can’t be done today, then start it today.
Change is tough, but the most difficult step is getting started. Of course once you’ve actually started, the most difficult step is following through. Change is tricky like that — but know that if you truly want it, you’ll find a way to create change in your life.
I had to learn that all the hard way. And I'm happy that I did, now that I think about it.
#2 - Expect people to be negative, especially if you’re carving your own path.
In all walks of life, you won’t see eye-to-eye with everyone. Hell, look at everyone I used to hang out with.
People will come out of your structured life to tell you that you’ll fail, tell you that you suck, laugh at you, argue with you, call you names, write you messages laced with profanity, and be altogether unpleasant.
As Tony Gazzo from Rocky put it, “Some guys, they just hate for no reason.”
The thing is, although it’s common to receive negativity from strangers, you’ll find that even the people you know and love can surprise you with negative attitudes. No matter who it is that’s trying to boo you off the stage, don’t let them succeed in doing so.
#1 - Do what you are.
We’ve all heard that ”If you love what you do, you will never work another day in your life.” The problem is that few people seem to actually have this luxury.
It seems that somewhere along the line the thought changed to “If you do what you need to do, when you need to do it, then maybe someday you can do what you want to do, when you want to do it.” You end up spending the majority of your life waiting for that someday to arrive.
It’s mostly unavoidable though, since we spend most of our growing years hearing things like:
GO TO COLLEGE
YOU NEED A JOB
KEEP WORKING SO YOU CAN PAY FOR COLLEGE EVEN THOUGH YOUR JOB SUCKS
SAVE FOR RETIREMENT SO YOU CAN 60 YEARS FROM NOW!
Once you finally make it to retirement, then you can finally do what you want. It seems so backwards, doesn’t it?
When I’m not distracting myself from how repetitive my job is, I always think about how I’m slowly trading away the sunny days of my youth for “job security.” I show up, work, get paid.
Congratulations, I’ve traded away some time for some money.
I'm glad I've had time to sit and think about all of this.
It makes me feel like not having a major, hell, not even knowing what I want to do for the REST OF MY LIFE isn't so bad. I can actually work my way to it.
I think that as long as you do what you are and are true to yourself, you can find success through following your passions and interests.
This way, I'm not going to wake up in ten years in a career I hate thinking "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?"
If you read all this, thanks.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Well, I wouldn't call it a 'day', considering he got out of bed at 2:30 this afternoon...but whatever.
We just ran errands and did whatever came to mind.
Then I got sick after dinner.
Curse you, Red Robin!
Anyway, it's been a good day.
I'm incredibly happy.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
I'm a completely different person, and you're more immature than I even remember.
Let's get this straight:
You do not know me.
I really don't think you ever did.
I never did anything to you.
If you knew everything, if I told you everything like I used to be able to, you'd have a completely different perspective and you'd think yourself an idiot.
I had a dream last night that we talked and I forgave you. Note to self: Don't.
I like to think that I could, but I know that there's so much pent up hurt and anger that I really don't know if I could.
Not that it even matters.
You never would apologize. You still won't. You're too much of a child for that.
It's frustrating, because I put on this strong guise and act as if you're just stupid and it doesn't bother me.
But the fact that you'd even act the way you do just...disgusts me so much that it hurts.
Which just comes back to: You have no idea who I am.
You don't know what kind of things I go through. The way my family works, or school, or my walk with God.
So seriously, stop giving me shit for it.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Anyway, so in my dream I'm Darth Vader, right? I'm walking with some apprentice of mine through a jedi academy.
Apparently I'm the Darth Vader AFTER his body has been burned, because I'm slightly transparent and my lightsaber isn't red, it's purple.
We run into my brother, who is also at the academy, and my brother and I play this weird simulation game where you drive vehicles around and try to kill each other.
Pete won, but that's no surprise, he's the gaming king.
After that, my apprentice and I find this really dark room. I sensed not everything was alright, and suddenly we were attacked by buzz droids. We crawled through the space in the wall where the droids came from and suddenly we're in the cantina from A New Hope, but everything is LEGO.
I force pulled a box of junior mints off the wall, along with a box of bottle caps. Then my apprentice asked me to turn his jedi robes into a red suit. And I did.
Then I woke up.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
I purchased a new monitor for my computer, and even though I'm using a laptop, I seriously enjoy having an extra monitor. I also got a new pair of speakers, but they probably won't be shipped to my house until at least Thursday. But still.
I have decided that I really really really want to build my own PC. I think over time I'll just save up some money. A 5 dollar bill here, two there, and eventually I might have enough saved up to build a computer worthy of...well, awesome. Ha.
My dad's birthday party was a big success, but it didn't come without frustration on my family's part.
Sometimes, I feel like people don't really understand the responsibilities that they're obligated to, whether or not they chose them.
For instance, if you're a mother, you really don't have the 'right' to go out and get as drunk as humanly possible and smoke weed until your brain falls out. That's just...well, really stupid. It's totally selfish and idiotic. I mean, guess what your child is learning?
You're an idiot. Grow up.
Ambition is another big thing that some people really NEED, but have none of. I've come to realize that having a college degree or diploma of some sort is completely necessary for me to make it at ALL in this world. I don't understand the idea of graduating high school and believing that you never have to sit in a classroom ever after graduation. Don't you want the best for yourself? What about your FAMILY? I'm not talking about your brothers and sisters, but what about your children? Your significant others?
I don't understand how you can possibly spend as much as you do on pot and smokes and alcohol and tattoos and have no way to move out. Stop being such a selfish person and take a little responsibility in your life. You may not have chosen to be a mom, but regardless, you ARE one. So BEHAVE like one. Smoking pot at your DAD'S birthday party isn't funny in any instance. You disgusting sex addict, get your priorities straight.
I'm alone a lot. I like it. I like my peace and quiet, but I really miss some things. I miss the big family dinners. I don't remember the last time we all sat down together to a family meal. Then again, if we were to have said meal, I'm quite certain I'd just get really frustrated.
I'm an incredibly blessed person.
As of tomorrow, Nick and I will have been dating for an entire year.
Actually, it will have been an entire year since we went on our first 'date'. We'd already been talking late into the night and knew that we liked each other far before June 23rd. But that doesn't make tomorrow any less special.
I am so unbelievably blessed. I've fallen in love with a man who knows what he wants. Nick knows what kind of person he wants to be and where his future is leading him to. I am just so lucky to be a part of it all.
He's my best friend, my love, and my confidant. He's the only person that actually tries to find ways to understand me. Nick is the one person that holds nothing back.
I don't know what's next for us, but whatever it is, it's going to be spectacular.
Typing the end of this post put me in so much a better mood than the first half.
haha I wonder why.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
I've grown up a little, be it in my relationship with Christ and my personal life. I'm comfortable with myself, which is a lot more than I could have said a year ago.
I'm going to just throw this out there:
Yeah. I made a big mistake. I hurt a lot of people, including myself. I did a lot of stupid things.
But I'm different now. I'm a completely different person than anyone remembers. In some ways, it's for the better, in others, for the worse.
I've experienced some things recently that have enraged me beyond all reason. I've seen lives shattered because of stupid things, and sometimes it feels *good* to know that I'm not the only one.
I deserve so much better. Better than someone impersonating myself just to show how full of themselves they are.
Sure, I was that person once. But I don't think anyone can really see what change does.
Oh, for the record, I know it was you.
It hurt really bad for a while, but at this point, I don't really care. Your seriously middle-school behavior just goes to show how full of yourself you seriously are. Yes. I DO think I'm better than you. Because I wouldn't sink so low just in an attempt to make myself look better.
I haven't spoken to you in almost a year, and you still haven't changed at all. You're the same horrid trash that you always were.
At least I grew out of it.
I like it here. You're right, I'm not in a *good* college. However, I am getting an education. And yes, a part of it was because I KNOW God didn't want it for me. You think it's funny, but I'm serious. And I'm glad for that. If I were still walking the path I was, I'd probably be a alcohol-infested, self-absorbed prick. I don't need any of that to enjoy my life. I just need Jesus. He'll show me where I'm supposed to be.
I have much better friends. There are people in my life that I can love and love me in return. And thanks, because you taught me to never give myself away to any friends ever. I'll never trust anyone the same thanks to you. I'm SO glad I got away from that.
And you know what is the most horrible thing about it all? Peter was right about you. He was right. I'll even admit that.
But seriously, when we alienate ourselves from you, just leave it alone. I don't need you continuously harassing me. When was the last time we spoke? You don't even know me anymore. You have no clue what kind of a person I am now, and you don't know what I'm capable of.
Yeah, I'm not like you. I didn't have every little thing handed to me, and I learned about the real world way before you ever will. I learned how to raise kids and how to treat my peers. I learned how to be a people-person and what life is like living paycheck to paycheck. You'll never have to live like that, and you'll never understand what it's like completely having to take care of yourself.
But seriously? Don't look down on me for it. You're like a racist against people who are less fortunate than you. I hope to God that you don't look at the homeless like that.
I have always deserved so much better.
We had fun together, and apparently you don't even remember any of it. I was just like you, once. I'm SO HAPPY that I'm not like that anymore.
I was mad for a while. Now I just pity you. You have to go to that point just to make your lives interesting. You and your gossiping and your poisonous and sick humor. I'm so much better than that. So yes, I do think I'm better than you. At least I behave like an adult when it comes to friendships.
Yeah, I act childishly sometimes, but when I do, it's all in good fun.
I don't have to grow up. But you seriously do.
Mind the language, but seriously. Get the fuck over yourself.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
At night, just before bed, I lay down and pull off my socks.
I throw them at my hamper, which is across the room and in a corner. You'd think that I could get both socks in every time by bouncing them off the wall and into the hamper.
Every single day, it's only one sock that lands in that hamper, and one will inevitably either miss, or bounce off the wall and behind the basket, or something else ridiculous. The other day I was so confident that both socks would make it into the hamper, and then one got stuck to THE WALL. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN.
Anyway. It's an entertaining game, and I just threw my socks across the room. And today...
both socks missed.
Man. Cotton has such a horrible amount of air resistance.
Seriously, my aim isn't THAT bad.
At the moment however, it isn't such. Right now I'm feeling tired, but not tired enough to sleep, and I really don't feel like DOING anything.
So I figure that writing...er...typing...would be something to take up a few minutes of my time and help me relax.
Perhaps I should be asleep, perhaps not. I can't exactly decide.
The past few days have been fast, but they feel slow. I wake up in the morning, shower, get ready for my day, and as soon as I know it, I'm crawling back into my bed again for more sleep.
Perhaps I'm feeling stir crazy. Or maybe I'm lonely.
But when I'm given opportunities to get out of my house and, you know, DO something, my motivation disappears.
It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I feel so out of my element. I know that being outside my comfort zone is somewhere that I should be pushing myself to be in order to discover new things, but right now, I'm totally content with just relaxing and not needing to do anything.
I'm worried about school next year, although I know that I have nothing to worry about.
I'm just....I'm not ready to grow up. I don't want to.
I know there's nothing wrong with feeling like a kid forever, but the next thing I know, I'll be graduating and looking for work. And THAT scares me.
I think I'm dwelling on this to much.
Yes. I shall sleep. Goodnight, internet world.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
At least, I think there's some that just don't get that holding something really stupid against someone is ridiculous.
I mean, in the end, we all need to let go of our anger in order to let go of a person, don't we? What's the point of holding a grudge when all you're trying to do is forget about that person?
I mean, when you're angry at someone for something they did...even if it was a long time ago...you're really not letting go of the ties you had with that person. Eventually, one of you forgets about all of it and lets it go, and the other is tied to that person until he or she can forget about whatever it was that was wronged.
In order to find peace, don't we all need to just let go of our hurts? Our wrongs? Wrongs against ourselves or to others?
I really don't get it. There are some who hold something they know absolutely nothing about against me. Some who never had the courage to say, "Hey, maybe we should talk to Leah about this." There never was anyone who had the courage to stick up for me.
Friends? I thought so, at one point. But the gossip tree screws everything up.
I'm better off, but that doesn't mean that I'm not sorry.
I've let it go. You've moved on, quite fast, might I say, so what's the point of staying angry?
See, this is why it never would have worked. Immaturity is one of the biggest turn-offs ever. Sure, we share a lot of interests, but you really don't get it, and considering your behavior now, I don't think you ever will.
So I suppose I'll have to deal with you being angry with me for the rest of your life. I'll forget you, but you never will.
In order to find peace, you're really going to need to let it all go.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
It feels like I'm daydreaming more often than I'm really living.
Sometimes the way I feel I'm sharing myself isn't enough. I think I can do better. I know I can.
But a big part of me just doesn't want to, because I'm afraid to get hurt.
I know there's nothing wrong with fearing hurt, but I know that I shouldn't. I know that in the end, there really isn't anything to be afraid of.
Logic is what keeps me from sharing the little things. I just don't want to push too far.
But shouldn't I be able to? I know I can, but what is it I'm afraid of?
I don't even know how to answer the questions I'm asking myself.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
I just thought this was beautiful.
It makes me think of what's to come, really. College starting up again, only this time not just for me.
I hope for the best, and hope that we stay strong.
Monday, April 26, 2010
It teaches them something SO wrong.
Physically aggressive are only teaching the child to be physically aggressive. That child learns that when they're bigger than someone else, they get to hit.
When was the last time that you, as a parent, were smacked that hard by someone bigger than you? Pretty sure you wouldn't like it either.
What do you want, parent? For your baby to FEAR you? To FORCE that child to 'love' you? What a load of shit.
Maybe you shouldn't even hold that child in your arms, because the second that child disobeys, you're hitting it.
It doesn't matter if it's on the rear end. That child doesn't deserve it. I hope someone kicks you hard in the butt the next time you do something stupid.
Especially...think of this scenario:
A mom is walking through a store with a 3-year-old in tow. The child is pulling cans off the shelves and dropping them on the floor.
How can you tell the child to "grow up" or "stop acting so childish"?
...that child is THREE.
Maybe you, as a parent, should grow up a little and realize that.
What's worse than smacking a child with your hands ANYWHERE on the body is using something else. Say a switch or a paddle or (in some cases) an extension chord. Some parents do this and don't even realize how hard they're hitting the child.
I hope someone flogs you, you horrible human.
Thus ends my night time rant as I listen to my 3-year-old niece down the hall screeching in pain.
"I've tried everything else." is your response when confronted about the issue.
Wait...WHAT? You smacked the child so the screams can be heard at all corners of the house and locked her in her room just so she'll sleep.
Maybe you should try to be a mom for once.
Yeah. I'm talking to you. Grow up, and learn how to RAISE a child.
Don't teach the child fear and pain. Show it love.
Besides, you expect the kid to sleep all night when you put her to bed at 6 pm?
Jeez. You're an idiot.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Not out of disgust, but because there's so many things I simply can't forget. So many little moments that just won't get out of my head.
The last happy memory...where all I can remember was the way that you smiled at me before you thought I was so horrid. It was your birthday. That was the last day. It's frustrating. I'm not hurt, not angry, not upset about you. I just wish that the new memories would replace the old. They don't.
Church on Saturday nights is really nice. I'm not exhausted when I go, so it's easy to pay attention, even IF you have a 3-year-old sitting next to you.
Today was...touching. I couldn't even tell you what the service as a whole was about, but there was something that stood out.
Talking about moral conviction. It's definitely what I need, what I've always needed.
The way I took it was as this: Unless you are religiously and morally grounded, you will never survive in this culture. The media and people around us glorify things that are immoral, like the drunken parties and the drugs. Without moral conviction, even a strong Christian can, and probably will, fall to the immoralities of today's culture.
It's something that we need to grow up with.
I don't know if I did or not. I think that's why I couldn't handle living on a college campus where so many things, like starting a weekend by drinking on a Thursday, just felt so wrong to me.
I know that if I were still there, I would not have made it through the year holding on to my positions of no drugs, no crazy drunkenness.
I don't think I'm better than anyone who does choose that life, but I think that I deserve better for myself. I need to take care of myself. I need that moral conviction. I NEED that deep relationship with Christ that keeps me grounded.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I heard a song today that reminded me of all the great times I shared with others last year. There's so much I miss, yet nothing that could ever make any of it come back or replace those joys.
The worst but is, I don't rightfully know what happened. I made some mistakes and revealed completely who I was at the time, and it felt like because of that, because I wasn't afraid of the people I trusted most, I was shunned. Last year at this time, we were all planning for what was coming next, be it prom or our summer adventures. So many were thinking of college and their futures.
I never wanted it to end, although I knew that inevitably it would. I think everyone did.
There's so much I want to express, and I have no idea how to say it. I feel no rage or resentment.
All that's left of what I once had is a wound, pity, and memories.
I think everyone who knows what I'm talking about would say we were having the time of our lives. But something happened, and I don't even know what.
It was as if one day, I was being called to hang out, and the next morning no one wanted to have anything to do with me.
Honestly, I don't think I want to know what I apparently did.
I miss those times a lot, and I try not to dwell on them, but sometimes it can't be helped. It makes me so sad that the gossip ring finally got around to me. The secrets I had trusted some with were now known by everyone and I was looked down upon.
I'll be open here; I was afraid of change. I knew it was coming and I wasn't prepared for it. I didn't trust God to help me through it, and the stupid choices I made were shown to me by how everything ended up.
The thing is, as sad as I am that everything has changed, I'm beginning to find joy in it. Sure, I still get really hurt when I find out about hang outs on breaks that I wasn't invited to, or stories that I wasn't there to experience, but things changed, and I've moved into a new world.
I get so much crap for dwelling on the past, but seriously, how can anyone not? What we all shared was the most fun part of my life, and God truly blessed us in the times we shared.
Things are different now, and I'm happy. I now realize what a true friend is. I've seen for myself the reasons why I don't trust many people, let alone myself.
In the end, I deserved better. I shouldn't have allowed myself to hold on to something that would inevitably be destroyed be gossip and made up stories.
I'm not perfect, and I know that. My world is so harsh, bit I will trust in God that he'll get me through it all. He's brought new people into my life that have made me realize how much better I deserved. I would have blamed myself for everything, including friendships, ending if it weren't for them. Yeah, I made mistakes, bit I never intentionally tried to hurt anyone.
Besides. You made me choose. Do you remember that? What kind of friend forces another to choose? I deserved so much more than that.
I miss it so much, but I'm better off now. I'm healing.
I'll never completely understand what it is that ultimately brought this all out, but... I don't want to know.
I'm so blessed, and though things have changed, I only somewhat have. I'll still hold true to what I believe in, and even if they're not always the right ones, I stand by my choices.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Final thoughts? Great gift to myself.I couldn't help but feel a little bummed because I felt like I should have expected something more. But now I don't have to pay for gas for the next 2 week and I had a wonderful dinner with Nick in Kalamazoo.
I'm one blessed lady, and I feel great. I'm so close to the end of the semester and I'm so ready for summer. I even started my tan by laying out today. Now THAT is awesome.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
You are the one
The holder of my heart
You are the life
The passion I will hold
You are the dream
the dream that came true
You are my future
The timeless joy that lasts.
Here is the love
The love that we've created
Here are my arms
The arms that will hold you
Here is my affection
The infinitely growing regard
and Here I am
Here with a promise:
Forever we will be
Forever we will grow
Forever you and I
Forever and ever
I love you.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
I know that a lot of times I get distracted, and there are other things that come before God, and I want that to not be the case.
I don't have a clue what I'm doing in life, but I know that He is going to direct me into it. I don't know what I'm in school for, but surely whatever I learn will be put to good use.
I don't know who I am. I don't know what my purpose in life is, but when I find my sign, my true calling, there won't be any turning back.
As for now, until that time comes, I'm going to live my life to the fullest. I'm going to enjoy every breath that God has given to me and be thankful simply for life.
Even when people drag me down, which seems to happen a lot, I know that I have a good foundation in the Lord, and no one is going to hold me back. When buildings are destroyed, the foundation remains. With God, all things are possible, even the rebuilding of something. When I am ripped upon and hurt, I heal, and when I heal, I'm stronger than I was before. It's what happens when you learn.
I try to be the best person I can. I know I'm not perfect, but that's not an excuse. It's extremely difficult when the media sets the standard for people.
I know I need to be who God wants me to be, and not a 'model', but a real disciple. I want people to see me as someone they can look up to, while seeing that I am still a follower.
I am a soldier in this army of one, and the battle is already won.
I pray for you, and that's who I am. That's what I do. Even if you don't want me to.
Friday, March 12, 2010
So I'm posting it here for you to read.
Written by Danny Hayward
Oh Lord of Lords
Why do you not clearly reveal yourself to the wicked?
Why do you not show yourself to the faithful?
How do we know where to fidn you and how do we get your strength?
Even when you take us to quiet places how do we tell its you?
When you clothe us in your cloak we feel comforted
But we do not know why.
How could we ever repay you for your unconditional love and fathership?
You take care of your flock even when we fly from your presence.
That is what love is.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Stress, anger, relief, sadness.
They all feel a little bit the same. Overall, it all hurts my own heart. The sad thing is, I'm not the one causing it. I suppose my lack of ability to just push things aside makes it partially my own fault, but the lack of respect that I've been receiving lately is just...It hurts.
I've been called a lot of things in my life. I know words shouldn't matter. But when they're repeated over and over, it just doesn't make sense.
I don't understand why it keeps happening.
Mostly because so many things have changed. The world has changed for me, and I'm happy.
What I can't completely understand is the fact that since so much has changed for me, it appears that it hasn't for other people.
I'm over it, I suppose. I don't deserve what I am receiving from others, but I know that if you're not strong enough to say those kinds of things to my face, you're also not strong enough to hold your own in life.
I mean, seriously. I dare you to talk like that to my face and sound so confident in yourself.
I've got much better friends in this world than you ever deserve. So thanks for making me remember that.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
It was really cool to have so many relatives in one place. The sad thing is, half of them I don't even remember. One convenient thing though, is the fact that no Veeneman ever changes. They all look exactly as I remember them (at least, the cousins that I actually know). It's amazing. I haven't seen some of those people since I was probably...8?
Upon returning home, I found my fish tank completely destroyed (well, dirty and layered with an entire can of fish food), as well as my algae eating fish dead. Not to mention the fact that some things were missing from my bedroom.
It's just sad that nothing in my own house is sacred. I'd like to think that I could write my name on a half gallon of chocolate milk and nobody would drink it. But no. Nothing lasts in this house. Nothing good, anyway. Good spirits aren't always so easy to come by.
Honestly, I can't wait for my niece to get some ADHD drugs in her system. I was reading about the disorder earlier today for homework in one of my classes, and about 3% of the population actually has the disorder. I read the symptoms, and Cambrie definitely shows every single one. It would be nice if the kid would LISTEN every now and then. Thanks to her, I didn't get to relax after I got home. I had to clean out an entire fish tank and flush a fish. I also have a feeling that I'll be digging through the house, looking for my belongings for a while. It would be nice to not have to watch that child every single second of the day. People claim that putting her on drugs will take away her personality. I say, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR. Discipline obviously has no effect. Not time outs, not spanks, not even bribes make a difference. We need a change, here.
I was hoping to go shopping in Canada and get a bunch of paraphernalia for the olympic stuff, but we never got around to it. It kind of made me sad, especially when I couldn't find any hats or gloves with even a maple leaf on it when we stopped at stores on the way home.
Not too excited to get back into the swing of things, but I've only got to make it through one more week and two tests this week before SPRING BREAK.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Today is Ryann's 16th birthday. It's crazy! I mean, with how much time I spend with Nick and over at that house, along with work, I kind of see her as a sister. The real sister I never had, you know? And now she's SIXTEEN. WAT. I mean, it's like, POOF, everyone that is really close to me is just...old. Pete started driving a few months ago, and Ryann's next. Goodness it's almost terrifying.
February is a busy month this year. Valentine's Day (stupid), Ryann's Birthday (not stupid), and Nick's Birthday (also not stupid but frustrating because it's his birthday lol).
Top that on with the fact that the whole month is devoted to the stupid commercialized holiday, it's almost stressful. However, I'm not loaded with homework, and I've got plenty of time between my classes that allows me to get all of my work done. Today I have written a 3-page paper and read a few chapters of my book in my time between my classes.
Speaking of classes, I got 100% on my math test from last week, and 96% on my Criminology exam from last Thursday. Overall, my grades are soaring, and it's so relieving to know that even after a semester not in school, I can still keep my habit of doing all my homework, studying, and getting good grades.
Back to the topic of February.
It's all about love, isn't it? It's so insanely frustrating to have a stupid holiday that emphasizes the whole telling-someone-you-love-them. Valentine's Day, making singles feel like shit since...FOREVER.
The thing about love is that everyone has their own warped versions of it. Some people are so incredibly controlling, some laid back, and some are so obsessive that the idea of life without love scares them.
Sure, those are all extremes, but I don't think that everyone really understands what love really is.
It's patient and kind, doesn't envy, doesn't boast, and isn't proud. Love isn't self-seeking, not easily angered, and doesn't keep any records of wrong. Love rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.
Love never fails.
Now that kind of destroys all of those extremes, don't you think? The jealous person is envious. The obsessive person is easily angered. The controlling person doesn't trust and keeps all those records of wrongs. A lot of people would recognize this definition of love from the Bible. First Corinthians 13, to be exact. But the thing is, you don’t even have to be religious to see the importance of it.
I mean, just because you’re not religious, doesn’t mean that you don’t have to be patient with someone. It doesn’t mean you can be jealous or proud about your love. Does that make sense?
I mean, sure, they go in all different ways, but you get the idea. The world has corrupted what love should be. What love actually IS. I mean, I have my own version of it, and how I see it, and the next person sees it as something completely different.
I understand the usage of pet names. But they’re sick. What’s good about being called ‘baby’? What’s cute about being considered someone’s “baby girl”? I mean, honestly, doesn’t that become some sick sort of incest? Sweetums, babe, sweetie…the like…they just...sicken me. It makes it seem so…vile. I mean, there’s nothing really wrong with telling someone they’re sweet, but making a name out of it just seems wrong. It’s especially irritating if it comes into play like a week after people get together. “I’ll come over after school, babe.” Just sounds wrong.
I was called princess by a guy once. It drove me mad. It’s cute coming from your parents until you reach the age of 8, but seriously? Unless your parents are calling you baby, or your mom is calling you “sweetie”, it just seems so…wrong. So don’t, seriously. Or at least, not in my presence.
Another thing that frustrates me beyond belief is insane PDAs. Look, I know I’ve done it, but once I began to have to see other people, it starts to gross me out. I don’t care about holding hands or a kiss here and there, but when you full-out make out and start dry humping in my presence, I won’t feel bad about getting up and leaving without a second glance. It’s just…..ew. And grabbing your girl’s butt when there’s people around? I can’t help but just want to grab your balls and crush them. It’s something that needs to stay in the bedroom or at least be somewhat secretive about. Ugh. Just typing about it is bothering me.
I love love. I love thinking about love. Love in general is spectacular. I’m not simply stating that because of my feelings in it, but because it makes everyone around happy. It makes the world a brighter place. Love is…Well, it just IS. There are different kinds of people in this world, but love is what makes us really become ourselves in the end. Love brings out the true colors of a person, be they a practical/logical person, a player, an obsessive person, or simply an irrational person.
Personally, I like to think that I’m the practical person.
If you just read this whole thing, props to you, my friend.
That being said, I'm starting this up just for a little bit of free writing for myself. It seems like a good idea for myself, not having a ton of time to scribble everything down in my massive notebook.
If there's insane delays between posts, it simply means that I have nothing better to write about on that day.
This, being a blog, is meant for me to write down some thoughts of the day. It doesn't mean I'm going out of my way to single anyone out or anything. It's just what I'm thinking about, some things that I believe in, and how I would like to word them.
If you have your own philosophical view on it, write it into your own blog. Because you have a strong opinion about something in my blog being wrong, that doesn't mean I really want to hear about it. It's not going to change the way that I think, so write about it yourself. Any comments like such will be deleted.