You walked into my life.
Took everything I cared about.
Then left me to fend for myself.
My heart aches. Not because of what I've lost, but because of you.

It's all happening all over again.
And it's not okay.
None of this should be okay.

You keep going on and on about how much you love the people in your life.
What you don't understand is that I was one of those people, and I loved all of them too.
It feels like nothing between us ever mattered to you.

Am I worthless?

Everything's spinning so fast that I can't see
I want it to be back when things were carefree
Sometimes it's so hard to believe
Especially when I can't just be me.

This came into my head while I was having some God time this evening.
I wish things were easier, but they aren't.
I wish I could slow down time and stick to the good times, but they never last.
It's hard to keep the faith when there's so many things just pulling on you.

But I've established this:
I really don't care what anyone thinks of me. I'm not going to hold back how I feel just because I don't want to hurt your feelings. It's like holding back telling someone that they have food on their face, or there's mascara everywhere. I just can't do it.
Take that however you want, whether it makes you think I'm rude, inconsiderate, or startling. I just can't stand when people hold things in, which is why I try to not do it.
It's actually something I used to do constantly. I was so concerned with what others thought, but I've realized that's just something that damages self-esteem even more. I don't care how I look. I don't care if it's embarrassing for you; if your fly is down, I'm going to let you know. I don't want to be that person that everyone's always trying to figure out.
I'd much rather be happy with just a few friends that totally get me and that totally understand where I'm coming from, than be miserable with a ton of friends that only know me for the fake person that I am.
*sigh* But then when someone calls you out on it, it hurts. A lot. And it's not like it's my fault. It's the way I am. I've trained myself to not hold back. If you can't handle me, then don't hang around. I hate people that aren't straight up. I want people to love me for me, not for what I've done or the mistakes I make. That's the whole idea of what God wants love to be like, anyway.

Things are changing.
I don't know why I'm using this to post. I've got a gorgeous journal sitting on my nightstand and I usually use tumblr to express most things that I'm thinking about.
For some reason, right now is different.
Right now, in this moment, I feel different.
And I don't like it.
I hate change. I don't know how to handle it, and things are changing all around me. Friends, relationships, work, school, family, money, everything.
I don't know what to do but sit in a corner and let everything go to God. But it's so hard to do. I don't know how to release everything that I always feel so in control of and let God handle it. I'm scared.
What's happening to us?
Is anything going to go back to the way it was?
I feel like everything we have is being destroyed by a single conversation.
I feel like our closeness is determined by how well we get along.
I feel like I'm constantly being talked about.
Like everyone's laughing at me.
Pointing at me.
Judging.

I started a tumblr.
I don't know how often I'll use either, but hey, it's something new.

Anyway.
If you're reading this, I'm going to try moving to www.leahouwinga.tumblr.com

/post

Things that made me happy today:
Sleeping in, spring break, Nick.
Things that are annoying: My skin, my need for food, and people.

I'm sleepy, feeling creative, and I'm incredibly bored.
Argh.

I want to be constructive. I'm sick of watching movies and being lazy. I just can't think of anything worthwhile that I feel like doing.
The color of the day today is dark green. Yep. That's what it feels like.

I don't really have anything else to say today.
I think I'll just go to bed early today.

Today's picture is from 2/18/11. Nick brought me to a hockey game, and here we are sitting in our spectacular seats before the game started.

Mom and Dad just enjoyed a nice 4 day trip in Vegas. Now they're stuck in Chicago.
So I'm having another quiet night to myself.
It's hot in my living room and Mike and I are just being cozy. This is one happy kitty.
I'm so sleepy, but sleep just doesn't seem like a good idea right now.

I'm currently watching the first Harry Potter movie, mostly because I've been playing the LEGO Harry Potter game on my ipod lately, and it made me want to watch the movies. The acting in the first one is absolutely awful. It's almost funny.

I feel like I've been taken for granted recently. I don't know if I've always been treated this way, or perhaps I'm just noticing that people think I'm 'below' them. The way I've been talked to recently...it's as if I'm some kind of lesser being.
I just don't know how to react to people judging me this way.
Le sigh.

Picture of the post:

Nick's birthday was yesterday. It was a good day. We went for brunch, wandered meijer, and spent the afternoon watching movies and playing video games.
Last week, I attempted to plan a surprise birthday party for him at bdubs with all of his friends. After that, it all went downhill. Which is a little funny, now, but it wasn't when everything was happening.
Thursday, Nick got hired at Mike's Pizza, and got scheduled to work on Friday. I got really upset and the surprise was no longer a surprise.
Turns out, he got out of work early enough for this 'surprise' to still take place, so we ended up at bdubs. Half the people I had invited bailed, which was incredibly frustrating.
HOWEVER.
After that, we had a blast. Sam, Sam, Dom, Nick, and I had a blast. We had an AWFUL waitress, and we had some...interesting conversations.
We saw an incredibly sketchy van while singing the pokemon theme.
Then we had a cake with re-lighting candles.
Sam almost dropped the cake, and then Sam Ward poured 5 glasses of st. julian's instead of 4.
We then sat around and watched jackass on TV for awhile and enjoyed some quality sugar comas.

It was a good weekend. Now I'm onto day 2 of my weekly grind, and spring break starts at 9 AM on THURSDAY YAAAYYYYYY!
Not that it's all that exciting, but when I'm done with all my homework and the like that I have over Spring Break, I'll be able to concentrate on doing whatever I want.

We've been talking about a camping trip to Colorado for this summer, and I think it's actually going to happen. 10 days of hiking, campfires, and having a good time. Wow. Summer, come sooner.
And if this trip actually happens, I'm going to need to get into better shape. This morning I started a good workout routine, with 20 minutes of running, a mass amount of pushups and crunches, topped off with a bowl of cheerios and a nice shower.
Man, morning classes rock. I'm getting ready to take a nap, and it isn't even noon yet. Go me!

Right now I'm thinking about that trip and about mountains and God's scenery. So here's today's picture.

And to think...
I've never seen mountains before.