Things are changing.
I don't know why I'm using this to post. I've got a gorgeous journal sitting on my nightstand and I usually use tumblr to express most things that I'm thinking about.
For some reason, right now is different.
Right now, in this moment, I feel different.
And I don't like it.
I hate change. I don't know how to handle it, and things are changing all around me. Friends, relationships, work, school, family, money, everything.
I don't know what to do but sit in a corner and let everything go to God. But it's so hard to do. I don't know how to release everything that I always feel so in control of and let God handle it. I'm scared.
What's happening to us?
Is anything going to go back to the way it was?
I feel like everything we have is being destroyed by a single conversation.
I feel like our closeness is determined by how well we get along.
I feel like I'm constantly being talked about.
Like everyone's laughing at me.
Pointing at me.
Judging.

I started a tumblr.
I don't know how often I'll use either, but hey, it's something new.

Anyway.
If you're reading this, I'm going to try moving to www.leahouwinga.tumblr.com

/post

Things that made me happy today:
Sleeping in, spring break, Nick.
Things that are annoying: My skin, my need for food, and people.

I'm sleepy, feeling creative, and I'm incredibly bored.
Argh.

I want to be constructive. I'm sick of watching movies and being lazy. I just can't think of anything worthwhile that I feel like doing.
The color of the day today is dark green. Yep. That's what it feels like.

I don't really have anything else to say today.
I think I'll just go to bed early today.

Today's picture is from 2/18/11. Nick brought me to a hockey game, and here we are sitting in our spectacular seats before the game started.

Mom and Dad just enjoyed a nice 4 day trip in Vegas. Now they're stuck in Chicago.
So I'm having another quiet night to myself.
It's hot in my living room and Mike and I are just being cozy. This is one happy kitty.
I'm so sleepy, but sleep just doesn't seem like a good idea right now.

I'm currently watching the first Harry Potter movie, mostly because I've been playing the LEGO Harry Potter game on my ipod lately, and it made me want to watch the movies. The acting in the first one is absolutely awful. It's almost funny.

I feel like I've been taken for granted recently. I don't know if I've always been treated this way, or perhaps I'm just noticing that people think I'm 'below' them. The way I've been talked to recently...it's as if I'm some kind of lesser being.
I just don't know how to react to people judging me this way.
Le sigh.

Picture of the post:

Nick's birthday was yesterday. It was a good day. We went for brunch, wandered meijer, and spent the afternoon watching movies and playing video games.
Last week, I attempted to plan a surprise birthday party for him at bdubs with all of his friends. After that, it all went downhill. Which is a little funny, now, but it wasn't when everything was happening.
Thursday, Nick got hired at Mike's Pizza, and got scheduled to work on Friday. I got really upset and the surprise was no longer a surprise.
Turns out, he got out of work early enough for this 'surprise' to still take place, so we ended up at bdubs. Half the people I had invited bailed, which was incredibly frustrating.
HOWEVER.
After that, we had a blast. Sam, Sam, Dom, Nick, and I had a blast. We had an AWFUL waitress, and we had some...interesting conversations.
We saw an incredibly sketchy van while singing the pokemon theme.
Then we had a cake with re-lighting candles.
Sam almost dropped the cake, and then Sam Ward poured 5 glasses of st. julian's instead of 4.
We then sat around and watched jackass on TV for awhile and enjoyed some quality sugar comas.

It was a good weekend. Now I'm onto day 2 of my weekly grind, and spring break starts at 9 AM on THURSDAY YAAAYYYYYY!
Not that it's all that exciting, but when I'm done with all my homework and the like that I have over Spring Break, I'll be able to concentrate on doing whatever I want.

We've been talking about a camping trip to Colorado for this summer, and I think it's actually going to happen. 10 days of hiking, campfires, and having a good time. Wow. Summer, come sooner.
And if this trip actually happens, I'm going to need to get into better shape. This morning I started a good workout routine, with 20 minutes of running, a mass amount of pushups and crunches, topped off with a bowl of cheerios and a nice shower.
Man, morning classes rock. I'm getting ready to take a nap, and it isn't even noon yet. Go me!

Right now I'm thinking about that trip and about mountains and God's scenery. So here's today's picture.

And to think...
I've never seen mountains before.

I just reformatted my computer. I have my mouse plugged in and the pointing device on my laptop is driving me crazy. It's insanely sensitive so I have to be incredibly careful when I type.
Reformatting your computer is a little bit like cleaning out the garbage. Except I get to go through an entire terabyte of data and get rid of everything I no longer want on my computer. It's not so bad, until I find things that I had completely forgotten about and get totally distracted for a while. Hence me writing in my blog. I haven't updated for a while and I found the below 'survey' thing on my computer. So I filled it out and I'm putting it here. I guess it gives me an excuse to type for a little bit.

Besides, writing about how things are going in my life feels nice every now and then. Sometimes it's hard to explain how I feel out loud, and writing it all out is much easier.
Recently, I've been feeling alienated at work. I've said it before, but now every time I get dressed for work, I dread how it's going to feel when I get there. Usually it's all worry about nothing, but there are days when I notice that I just don't fit in anymore. I'm turning 20 in 2 months, and some of the girls that I work are just turning 17. It's strange. I've experienced a whole different side of the world than some of these girls have, and the way I approach life, let alone work, is so different.
It's just odd, now, I guess. I don't like it. I feel like we don't relate. What's worse is when there's hangouts that not only do I not get invited to, but the nights when there's hangouts and the other girls get invited in FRONT of me, and I hear nothing about it until I see the "Oh we had so much fun tonight!" on facebook. Ugh. It just hurts, I guess.
Music makes things better. Sometimes I forget how much of a 'therapy' it can be. Music and video games. I've been playing a lot of halo with my brother recently, and I've been hanging out with Mike Murphy a few times a week recently as well.
It's nice, being able to relate on that front. Anyway. READDDDD haha
Oh, and here's a picture for right now, because I just found it on my computer.

HAHAHAH I laugh every time.

THREE WAYS I AM STILL A KID:

1. I want to be a super hero.
2. I love watching Disney movies
3. I'm really loud and incredibly annoying…a lot of the time.

THREE WAYS I AM ALREADY OLD:

1. I have a steady job to pay bills
2. I do laundry
3. I read for fun

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO:

1. Be stress-free
2. Go on a tropical vacation
3. Find the job that I really love

THREE WAYS THAT I'M A STEREOTYPICAL "BOY":

1. I love video games
2. I like football and hockey
3. I eat junk food all the time

THREE WAYS THAT I'M A STEREOTYPICAL "GIRL":

1. I love chocolate and ice cream
2. I really enjoy Harry Potter
3. I like to scrapbook and take lots of pictures

THREE NEW THINGS I WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:

1. Fly in an airplane
2. Go on a vacation without my family
3. Some crazy fancy food

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:

1. My ability to have fun
2. My morals and religious beliefs
3. I have and keep good grades

THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:

1. I think too much
2. I worry about unnecessary things
3. I forgive too easily

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:

1. The dark
2. Really large insects
3. Deep water

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:

1. Clothes
2. Water
3. Laughter

THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:

1. Good sense of humor
2. Logical
3. Respectful/Honest

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:

1. Sleep enough
2. Hate
3. Win a fight

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:

1. Something with writing
2. Something in music
3. A planner

TEN things you wish you could say to ten different people right now:

1. You’re incredibly self-centered. Sometimes I wonder why I wanted to be with you so badly. It makes me hate you sometimes, and then I remember how much fun we always had.

2. I believe in God. If that bothers you, I don’t think I want to be friends with you. I try to be tolerant, but your lack of tolerance about my faith REALLY pisses me off.

3. I’m so glad you came back into my life. It’s been lonely without close friends lately.

4. I'm really glad that you and I became good friends. I don't know what I'd do without you now.

5. Thanks for always looking out for me. I'm glad you're so protective of me.

6. You're about as fearsome as a doorstop.

7. I want to try that Florida trip the way it was supposed to be. Me and you.

8. I loved you. You don’t even understand that. I loved you, and couldn’t bear the possibility of hurting you. So I let you go. Because I had to, not because I wanted to. I couldn’t watch you live that way.

9. Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if I ever did go on that date with you. What would we have become?

10. You are brilliant. I only wish that I could see the world the way you do.

NINE places you feel at home:

1. My house
2. Nick's house
3. Work
4. Anywhere safe
5. Church
6. With friends
7. In my car (when it’s functional)
8.
9.

EIGHT ways to win your heart:

1. Have fun with me
2. Live your own life
3. have goals
4. Be respectful
5. hold my hand
6. Be honest
7. listen to me and be able to talk with me
8. support me

SEVEN people of the opposite sex who mean or meant a lot to you:

1. Dad
2. Pete & Tim & Jamal
3. Nick & daddeh
4. The Sams
5. Mike Murphy
6. Matt Lacina
7. Bufface

SIX people of the same sex who mean a lot to you:

1. Momma
2. My sisters
3. Lauren and Lauren
4. Emily & Becca
5. Ryann & Cari & Their momma
6. The rest of the work girls J Kate, Nay, Paigey, Mrs. Kang, Nicole

FIVE things that cross your mind a lot:

1. Family..
2. Friends/Nick
3. School
4. Money
5. Time

FOUR things you do before you fall asleep:

1. pjs
2. take out contacts
3. set alarm
4. Fluff bed

THREE songs that mean something to you:

1. Finally Home - MercyMe
2. Forgive Me – Rebecca St. James
3. Dead! – My Chemical Romance (even if I don’t want it to mean anything, it’s still there)

TWO confessions:

1. I hold back most of my emotional issues.
2. I get really jealous sometimes.

ONE thing your thinking about right now:

Right at this moment? My brain is exploding because I have awesome headphones on and I’m listening to dubstep really loud. It’s a little hard to think.

I really hate not being able to find socks that match.
Mostly because the fabric of different brands feels different. I can't stand going barefoot when it's cold, so today I'm stuck wearing one blue sock and one white sock. It makes me feel silly.

Nick brought me to a Griffins game last night. It was so fun. I'm so proud that he's become such a hockey fan. During the game I caught 3 certificates to Play n Trade...buy 1 get one free. Which is pretty exciting. So in a few minutes, Pete and I are going to pick up some new games.

Went and saw Liam Neeson's new movie, Unknown, yesterday. It's pretty neat. Combine Taken with the Bourne Series, and you've got that movie.
And, me being such a Liam Neeson fan, I loved it.
It's so full of badassery. The plot twists are pretty sweet, too.

I really like the name Liam. It's different, but not to the point where it's weird if you meet someone with the name. Kind of like 'Leah'. I don't know very many Leahs, and I'm pretty sure I only know one Liam.
It's so easy for me to think of boy names that I like, but someday, if I ever have a girl, I have no idea what I'd call her. heh.



Seriously! Could he be any more of a bamf?