Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Everything's spinning so fast that I can't see
I want it to be back when things were carefree
Sometimes it's so hard to believe
Especially when I can't just be me.

This came into my head while I was having some God time this evening.
I wish things were easier, but they aren't.
I wish I could slow down time and stick to the good times, but they never last.
It's hard to keep the faith when there's so many things just pulling on you.

But I've established this:
I really don't care what anyone thinks of me. I'm not going to hold back how I feel just because I don't want to hurt your feelings. It's like holding back telling someone that they have food on their face, or there's mascara everywhere. I just can't do it.
Take that however you want, whether it makes you think I'm rude, inconsiderate, or startling. I just can't stand when people hold things in, which is why I try to not do it.
It's actually something I used to do constantly. I was so concerned with what others thought, but I've realized that's just something that damages self-esteem even more. I don't care how I look. I don't care if it's embarrassing for you; if your fly is down, I'm going to let you know. I don't want to be that person that everyone's always trying to figure out.
I'd much rather be happy with just a few friends that totally get me and that totally understand where I'm coming from, than be miserable with a ton of friends that only know me for the fake person that I am.
*sigh* But then when someone calls you out on it, it hurts. A lot. And it's not like it's my fault. It's the way I am. I've trained myself to not hold back. If you can't handle me, then don't hang around. I hate people that aren't straight up. I want people to love me for me, not for what I've done or the mistakes I make. That's the whole idea of what God wants love to be like, anyway.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Things are changing.
I don't know why I'm using this to post. I've got a gorgeous journal sitting on my nightstand and I usually use tumblr to express most things that I'm thinking about.
For some reason, right now is different.
Right now, in this moment, I feel different.
And I don't like it.
I hate change. I don't know how to handle it, and things are changing all around me. Friends, relationships, work, school, family, money, everything.
I don't know what to do but sit in a corner and let everything go to God. But it's so hard to do. I don't know how to release everything that I always feel so in control of and let God handle it. I'm scared.
What's happening to us?
Is anything going to go back to the way it was?
I feel like everything we have is being destroyed by a single conversation.
I feel like our closeness is determined by how well we get along.
I feel like I'm constantly being talked about.
Like everyone's laughing at me.
Pointing at me.