Saturday, December 25, 2010

After my previous post, I got a little sidetracked from what I was actually trying to write about.
Today isn't about the material things. It's about God.
Church last night really put it into perspective for me. We give each other gifts, but we forget that God gave us the most precious gift of all: Himself.
The way I saw it last night, is if God can put himself in a box (or in His case, a woman), and give Himself to us to save us from ourselves, then why can't we do the same for Him?
To truly let go of ourselves and let Him in. That's what we need this season. We think that a miracle at this time of the year is getting along with our relatives and enjoying the hard moments, but the real miracle is Him. The miracle that gives us life.

Learned a fun fact about Jesus yesterday.
The Bible has so many prophecies about the Messiah. There are so many little things that were said that the Christ would be, that there is a 1 in 100,000,000,000,000,000 chance that a person could fit all of those prophecies and requirements. My pastor put it into perspective. If you were to take a quarter, and put a circle on it, and put it in with 99,999,999,999,999,999 others, they would cover the entire state of Michigan TEN FEET TALL. Now find that one quarter that has a circle on it. That's the odds of finding the one person in the world that would fit all the old prophecies. It would take a miracle!
And God GAVE us that miracle. He gave us HIMSELF. It's hard to even comprehend.

And I forget that. It's hard to remember when I'm overloaded with the holiday stress on my shoulders. I love my family, but that doesn't mean that it's not hard at this time of the year.
I'm not entirely sure where I want to go with this right now.
First and foremost, it's Christmas. That's a given, considering the post date on this blog will be marked the 25th of December.
I'll go ahead and say I'm a little...disappointed with my family. I worked so hard to make this Christmas morning great for my family, but I feel like the thoughtfulness was all in vain. I feel like no one noticed how hard I've worked.
The only thoughtful gift I received was a gift certificate to my favorite sushi restaurant from my brother-in-law.
It's just irritating, I guess, because even my parents don't know me well enough to pick out shirts that I would wear. I'm literally returning half of what I received this morning, and I have no idea what I'll do with the money that I get.
Right now, I just want to crawl in my bed and sleep, but I can't. Ugh.
I just feel...really unfortunate. I log on to facebook and hear "I got everything I wanted!" and stuff like that. Parents going all-out on their kids, significant others showering each other...I just...UGH.
It's gross to me. And what's worse is that I feel really selfish for even saying this, because a huge part of the world doesn't even have the money to have such a 'celebration' on a day like today.

Then there's the problem that I've been having with punctuality. I can not STAND when someone doesn't show up when they're supposed to. It's been happening more and more lately, and the people I count on the most have been proving to be incredibly unreliable. I literally can not handle it.

I've been having big troubles finding a way to express myself. Today is one of them. Because of my family, I need to be happy and attempt to enjoy the fact that there's 16 people in my house and a bunch of screaming children. But that's incredibly difficult when the back of my mind is sobbing about what isn't happening in front of me. And then there's my troubles with being able to talk to people. I'm always so worried about pissing some people of by explaining what I'm feeling, so I just don't say anything. I just don't want this right now.

I'm sick of people shoving their perfect lives in my face. I just want to be alone for a while.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

It's definitely Christmas season. Currently I am sitting at the kitchen table at Nick's house while his sisters make Christmas cookies. We made some cute gingerbread houses just a little while ago. The presents under the tree at my house are definitely overflowing my living room, but that's probably because the presents are for everyone, including grandkids.
But for some reason, these past few days have been really hard. I'm big on punctuality of people, and I really can't deal with people canceling plans on me. It's been happening a lot these past few days, and it's really irritating.
That and for some reason, a lot of past frustrations that I've just ignored have been resurfacing on my mind. Certain obligations are just overwhelming, even when they typically wouldn't be. Right now, I just really need to feel God's presence more than ever, and it's been really hard for me to get in touch with Him recently. It's not like I don't read my Bible or pray or even talk to Him, but it's just difficult to really feel it.
I'm hoping that this Christmas time will fix that up. I'm amazed at His grace, and I think that the whole Christmas reminder is a good way to return me to where I need to be.

I've been thinking a lot about closure lately. Closure that I haven't given, or that I've never received. I don't know why it just keeps coming into my makes me really sad.
Some seem to think that I owe them something. What? Now that just makes me angry.

My brother is now a man. He's 18 today. I'm AMAZED.
I just feel down. We'll see what happens next, I guess.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

It's beginning to feel like Christmas.
I've been having so much fun shopping and wrapping presents and listening to Handel's Messiah.
Just like last year, there's a big pile of presents under my tree, and none for me. I don't like to sound selfish, but I've been working so hard to get everything sorted out, and I feel like no one really is noticing.
It was the same way last year. Then again, what do you get for a 20 year old?
I just wish my family felt as creative and spirited as I do. I'm loving this season. I've been wrapping presents all day, and now I'm working on finding a white elephant gift to give to my secret santa next saturday at the work party.
Oh goodness me time is flying. Next week wednesday, at around 10 AM, I will be on my way home from my last exam.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

I was just studying for my online English test tomorrow, and one of the big things that I focused on was writing an autobiography. In the context of the class, it suggests to write an autobiography on my writing.
However, it just brought on some thoughts of writing a REAL autobiography. Not that I would exactly know where to begin, and the whole of any autobiography about me would be pretty dry and boring, filled with me and playing GI Joes, Playmobil, and LEGOs with my brother, Pete.
It made me think though, about the main points of my life. I can't think back enough and focus on stages of my life. I hardly even remember middle school. I remember being in that massive co-ed clique, and us always trying to hang out and date and never succeeding.
Go from there to high school. That was when I really noticed my family, and how complicated we are. My sisters got pregnant, then my brother got his girlfriend pregnant, and I realized how different we really are.
Some serious spiritual battles were fought, and some complicated emotional issues were revealed. I found a new clique, and started to find myself.
Now I look at it all, going from all the complicated drama and look back on it now.
Vanity is the biggest thing that bothers me at this moment. My sisters. My friends. Even myself. It's frustrating for me to even talk to someone who is so full of him or herself that he or she cannot even acknowledge that mistakes have been made. I can't deal with your ego or the fact that you're so vain.
Maybe that's why my family drives me insane. That's a big reason why I'm happy with where I am in life.
Ugh. My mind is spinning. I can't focus on what I really want to say. Mostly because of what has happened with old blogs of mine; It seems that nothing of mine is really mine anymore. I can't say what's on my mind because I get yelled at for it. Hell, my own sister un-friended me on facebook the other day because I confronted her about one of her problems.
So where's the issue here?
I don't even know.

Friday, December 3, 2010

I want to feel like a princess again.
I want all my stresses to go away, and for everyone to appreciate me.
I wish all my hard work and effort would quit going unnoticed.

Maybe all I want for Christmas is to relax.
...someone get me a day at a spa.
Nah. I want sleep. Endless sleep that is no longer interrupted by a sore throat or this relentless stuffy nose.
I want to lay in my bed and cuddle my kitty all day.

I am so incredibly flustered.