Saturday, May 29, 2010

I've been glad, for the past few months, that I've moved on from the past.
I've grown up a little, be it in my relationship with Christ and my personal life. I'm comfortable with myself, which is a lot more than I could have said a year ago.
I'm going to just throw this out there:
Yeah. I made a big mistake. I hurt a lot of people, including myself. I did a lot of stupid things.
But I'm different now. I'm a completely different person than anyone remembers. In some ways, it's for the better, in others, for the worse.
I've experienced some things recently that have enraged me beyond all reason. I've seen lives shattered because of stupid things, and sometimes it feels *good* to know that I'm not the only one.
I deserve so much better. Better than someone impersonating myself just to show how full of themselves they are.
Sure, I was that person once. But I don't think anyone can really see what change does.

Oh, for the record, I know it was you.
It hurt really bad for a while, but at this point, I don't really care. Your seriously middle-school behavior just goes to show how full of yourself you seriously are. Yes. I DO think I'm better than you. Because I wouldn't sink so low just in an attempt to make myself look better.
I haven't spoken to you in almost a year, and you still haven't changed at all. You're the same horrid trash that you always were.
At least I grew out of it.

I like it here. You're right, I'm not in a *good* college. However, I am getting an education. And yes, a part of it was because I KNOW God didn't want it for me. You think it's funny, but I'm serious. And I'm glad for that. If I were still walking the path I was, I'd probably be a alcohol-infested, self-absorbed prick. I don't need any of that to enjoy my life. I just need Jesus. He'll show me where I'm supposed to be.

I have much better friends. There are people in my life that I can love and love me in return. And thanks, because you taught me to never give myself away to any friends ever. I'll never trust anyone the same thanks to you. I'm SO glad I got away from that.
And you know what is the most horrible thing about it all? Peter was right about you. He was right. I'll even admit that.
But seriously, when we alienate ourselves from you, just leave it alone. I don't need you continuously harassing me. When was the last time we spoke? You don't even know me anymore. You have no clue what kind of a person I am now, and you don't know what I'm capable of.
Yeah, I'm not like you. I didn't have every little thing handed to me, and I learned about the real world way before you ever will. I learned how to raise kids and how to treat my peers. I learned how to be a people-person and what life is like living paycheck to paycheck. You'll never have to live like that, and you'll never understand what it's like completely having to take care of yourself.
But seriously? Don't look down on me for it. You're like a racist against people who are less fortunate than you. I hope to God that you don't look at the homeless like that.

I have always deserved so much better.
We had fun together, and apparently you don't even remember any of it. I was just like you, once. I'm SO HAPPY that I'm not like that anymore.
I was mad for a while. Now I just pity you. You have to go to that point just to make your lives interesting. You and your gossiping and your poisonous and sick humor. I'm so much better than that. So yes, I do think I'm better than you. At least I behave like an adult when it comes to friendships.
Yeah, I act childishly sometimes, but when I do, it's all in good fun.

I don't have to grow up. But you seriously do.
Mind the language, but seriously. Get the fuck over yourself.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Sometimes, the things that someone needs to say have already been said by someone else.
Thanks, Bob.

There's this little game I play every day.
At night, just before bed, I lay down and pull off my socks.
I throw them at my hamper, which is across the room and in a corner. You'd think that I could get both socks in every time by bouncing them off the wall and into the hamper.
But no.
Every single day, it's only one sock that lands in that hamper, and one will inevitably either miss, or bounce off the wall and behind the basket, or something else ridiculous. The other day I was so confident that both socks would make it into the hamper, and then one got stuck to THE WALL. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN.
Anyway. It's an entertaining game, and I just threw my socks across the room. And today...
both socks missed.
Man. Cotton has such a horrible amount of air resistance.
Or something.
Seriously, my aim isn't THAT bad.
Sometimes, when I write, it's to release an emotion. You know, a way to release any sadness, anger, or joy.
At the moment however, it isn't such. Right now I'm feeling tired, but not tired enough to sleep, and I really don't feel like DOING anything.
So I figure that be something to take up a few minutes of my time and help me relax.
Perhaps I should be asleep, perhaps not. I can't exactly decide.
The past few days have been fast, but they feel slow. I wake up in the morning, shower, get ready for my day, and as soon as I know it, I'm crawling back into my bed again for more sleep.
Perhaps I'm feeling stir crazy. Or maybe I'm lonely.
But when I'm given opportunities to get out of my house and, you know, DO something, my motivation disappears.
It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I feel so out of my element. I know that being outside my comfort zone is somewhere that I should be pushing myself to be in order to discover new things, but right now, I'm totally content with just relaxing and not needing to do anything.
I'm worried about school next year, although I know that I have nothing to worry about.
I'm just....I'm not ready to grow up. I don't want to.
I know there's nothing wrong with feeling like a kid forever, but the next thing I know, I'll be graduating and looking for work. And THAT scares me.
I think I'm dwelling on this to much.
Yes. I shall sleep. Goodnight, internet world.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Some people really just need to get over themselves.
At least, I think there's some that just don't get that holding something really stupid against someone is ridiculous.
I mean, in the end, we all need to let go of our anger in order to let go of a person, don't we? What's the point of holding a grudge when all you're trying to do is forget about that person?
I mean, when you're angry at someone for something they did...even if it was a long time're really not letting go of the ties you had with that person. Eventually, one of you forgets about all of it and lets it go, and the other is tied to that person until he or she can forget about whatever it was that was wronged.
In order to find peace, don't we all need to just let go of our hurts? Our wrongs? Wrongs against ourselves or to others?
I really don't get it. There are some who hold something they know absolutely nothing about against me. Some who never had the courage to say, "Hey, maybe we should talk to Leah about this." There never was anyone who had the courage to stick up for me.
Friends? I thought so, at one point. But the gossip tree screws everything up.
I'm better off, but that doesn't mean that I'm not sorry.
I've let it go. You've moved on, quite fast, might I say, so what's the point of staying angry?
See, this is why it never would have worked. Immaturity is one of the biggest turn-offs ever. Sure, we share a lot of interests, but you really don't get it, and considering your behavior now, I don't think you ever will.
So I suppose I'll have to deal with you being angry with me for the rest of your life. I'll forget you, but you never will.
In order to find peace, you're really going to need to let it all go.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Things have been...different.
It feels like I'm daydreaming more often than I'm really living.
Sometimes the way I feel I'm sharing myself isn't enough. I think I can do better. I know I can.
But a big part of me just doesn't want to, because I'm afraid to get hurt.
I know there's nothing wrong with fearing hurt, but I know that I shouldn't. I know that in the end, there really isn't anything to be afraid of.
Logic is what keeps me from sharing the little things. I just don't want to push too far.
But shouldn't I be able to? I know I can, but what is it I'm afraid of?
I don't even know how to answer the questions I'm asking myself.