Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I just want one man to show me that they're not all the same.

It's that simple, isn't it?
As I look back on all that's happened...growing up, growing together, changing you, changing me -- there were times when we dreamed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days, I realize how much I truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever...and whatever the future holds, our todays make the memories of tomorrow. So, my lifetime friend, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you'll always carry my smile with you, for all we have meant to each other and for whatever the future may hold.

I just thought this was beautiful.
It makes me think of what's to come, really. College starting up again, only this time not just for me.
I hope for the best, and hope that we stay strong.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Never ever NEVER will I ever spank a child.
It teaches them something SO wrong.
Physically aggressive are only teaching the child to be physically aggressive. That child learns that when they're bigger than someone else, they get to hit.
When was the last time that you, as a parent, were smacked that hard by someone bigger than you? Pretty sure you wouldn't like it either.
What do you want, parent? For your baby to FEAR you? To FORCE that child to 'love' you? What a load of shit.
Maybe you shouldn't even hold that child in your arms, because the second that child disobeys, you're hitting it.
It doesn't matter if it's on the rear end. That child doesn't deserve it. I hope someone kicks you hard in the butt the next time you do something stupid.
Especially...think of this scenario:
A mom is walking through a store with a 3-year-old in tow. The child is pulling cans off the shelves and dropping them on the floor.
How can you tell the child to "grow up" or "stop acting so childish"?
...that child is THREE.
Maybe you, as a parent, should grow up a little and realize that.
What's worse than smacking a child with your hands ANYWHERE on the body is using something else. Say a switch or a paddle or (in some cases) an extension chord. Some parents do this and don't even realize how hard they're hitting the child.
I hope someone flogs you, you horrible human.

Thus ends my night time rant as I listen to my 3-year-old niece down the hall screeching in pain.
"I've tried everything else." is your response when confronted about the issue.
Wait...WHAT? You smacked the child so the screams can be heard at all corners of the house and locked her in her room just so she'll sleep.
Some parenting.
Maybe you should try to be a mom for once.
Yeah. I'm talking to you. Grow up, and learn how to RAISE a child.
Don't teach the child fear and pain. Show it love.
Besides, you expect the kid to sleep all night when you put her to bed at 6 pm?
Jeez. You're an idiot.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

I thought so hard about you today that I almost threw up.
Not out of disgust, but because there's so many things I simply can't forget. So many little moments that just won't get out of my head.
The last happy memory...where all I can remember was the way that you smiled at me before you thought I was so horrid. It was your birthday. That was the last day. It's frustrating. I'm not hurt, not angry, not upset about you. I just wish that the new memories would replace the old. They don't.


Church on Saturday nights is really nice. I'm not exhausted when I go, so it's easy to pay attention, even IF you have a 3-year-old sitting next to you.
Today was...touching. I couldn't even tell you what the service as a whole was about, but there was something that stood out.
Talking about moral conviction. It's definitely what I need, what I've always needed.
The way I took it was as this: Unless you are religiously and morally grounded, you will never survive in this culture. The media and people around us glorify things that are immoral, like the drunken parties and the drugs. Without moral conviction, even a strong Christian can, and probably will, fall to the immoralities of today's culture.
It's something that we need to grow up with.
I don't know if I did or not. I think that's why I couldn't handle living on a college campus where so many things, like starting a weekend by drinking on a Thursday, just felt so wrong to me.
I know that if I were still there, I would not have made it through the year holding on to my positions of no drugs, no crazy drunkenness.
I don't think I'm better than anyone who does choose that life, but I think that I deserve better for myself. I need to take care of myself. I need that moral conviction. I NEED that deep relationship with Christ that keeps me grounded.

Friday, April 23, 2010

It feels like everything that can go wrong in my world has been.
School. Work. Social life. Heart.

I just need to keep my eyes on God, and trust that He will get me through it all.
In the meantime, I'll keep praying.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

If I should die this very moment, I wouldn't fear, for I've never known completeness, like being here. Wrapped in the warmth of you, loving every breath of you. Why live life from dream to dream and dread the day when dreaming ends?


I guess I'm having one of those days.
I heard a song today that reminded me of all the great times I shared with others last year. There's so much I miss, yet nothing that could ever make any of it come back or replace those joys.
The worst but is, I don't rightfully know what happened. I made some mistakes and revealed completely who I was at the time, and it felt like because of that, because I wasn't afraid of the people I trusted most, I was shunned. Last year at this time, we were all planning for what was coming next, be it prom or our summer adventures. So many were thinking of college and their futures.
I never wanted it to end, although I knew that inevitably it would. I think everyone did.
There's so much I want to express, and I have no idea how to say it. I feel no rage or resentment.
All that's left of what I once had is a wound, pity, and memories.
I think everyone who knows what I'm talking about would say we were having the time of our lives. But something happened, and I don't even know what.
It was as if one day, I was being called to hang out, and the next morning no one wanted to have anything to do with me.
Honestly, I don't think I want to know what I apparently did.
I miss those times a lot, and I try not to dwell on them, but sometimes it can't be helped. It makes me so sad that the gossip ring finally got around to me. The secrets I had trusted some with were now known by everyone and I was looked down upon.
I'll be open here; I was afraid of change. I knew it was coming and I wasn't prepared for it. I didn't trust God to help me through it, and the stupid choices I made were shown to me by how everything ended up.
The thing is, as sad as I am that everything has changed, I'm beginning to find joy in it. Sure, I still get really hurt when I find out about hang outs on breaks that I wasn't invited to, or stories that I wasn't there to experience, but things changed, and I've moved into a new world.
I get so much crap for dwelling on the past, but seriously, how can anyone not? What we all shared was the most fun part of my life, and God truly blessed us in the times we shared.
Things are different now, and I'm happy. I now realize what a true friend is. I've seen for myself the reasons why I don't trust many people, let alone myself.
In the end, I deserved better. I shouldn't have allowed myself to hold on to something that would inevitably be destroyed be gossip and made up stories.
I'm not perfect, and I know that. My world is so harsh, bit I will trust in God that he'll get me through it all. He's brought new people into my life that have made me realize how much better I deserved. I would have blamed myself for everything, including friendships, ending if it weren't for them. Yeah, I made mistakes, bit I never intentionally tried to hurt anyone.
Besides. You made me choose. Do you remember that? What kind of friend forces another to choose? I deserved so much more than that.
I miss it so much, but I'm better off now. I'm healing.
I'll never completely understand what it is that ultimately brought this all out, but... I don't want to know.
I'm so blessed, and though things have changed, I only somewhat have. I'll still hold true to what I believe in, and even if they're not always the right ones, I stand by my choices.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

My birthday was a few days ago. Can't say much about it. It was a day. I had a wonderful dinner with Nick and some delicious cake. I spent a lot of money for my present this year, and it was totally worth it. 32 gigabytes of awesome. An iPod touch was a good choice, if not a hole burned in my pocket. I'm glad I got it. I don't know how I found a way to carry a laptop with me to school all the time before now.
Final thoughts? Great gift to myself.I couldn't help but feel a little bummed because I felt like I should have expected something more. But now I don't have to pay for gas for the next 2 week and I had a wonderful dinner with Nick in Kalamazoo.
I'm one blessed lady, and I feel great. I'm so close to the end of the semester and I'm so ready for summer. I even started my tan by laying out today. Now THAT is awesome.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

This was written to me over a year ago. I figure with a change of words, it can still be seen as some kind of sappy, beautiful thing.


You are the one
The holder of my heart
You are the life
The passion I will hold
You are the dream
the dream that came true
You are my future
The timeless joy that lasts.

Here is the love
The love that we've created
Here are my arms
The arms that will hold you
Here is my affection
The infinitely growing regard
and Here I am
Here with a promise:

Forever we will be
Forever we will grow
Forever you and I
Forever and ever
I love you.