Wednesday, April 21, 2010


I guess I'm having one of those days.
I heard a song today that reminded me of all the great times I shared with others last year. There's so much I miss, yet nothing that could ever make any of it come back or replace those joys.
The worst but is, I don't rightfully know what happened. I made some mistakes and revealed completely who I was at the time, and it felt like because of that, because I wasn't afraid of the people I trusted most, I was shunned. Last year at this time, we were all planning for what was coming next, be it prom or our summer adventures. So many were thinking of college and their futures.
I never wanted it to end, although I knew that inevitably it would. I think everyone did.
There's so much I want to express, and I have no idea how to say it. I feel no rage or resentment.
All that's left of what I once had is a wound, pity, and memories.
I think everyone who knows what I'm talking about would say we were having the time of our lives. But something happened, and I don't even know what.
It was as if one day, I was being called to hang out, and the next morning no one wanted to have anything to do with me.
Honestly, I don't think I want to know what I apparently did.
I miss those times a lot, and I try not to dwell on them, but sometimes it can't be helped. It makes me so sad that the gossip ring finally got around to me. The secrets I had trusted some with were now known by everyone and I was looked down upon.
I'll be open here; I was afraid of change. I knew it was coming and I wasn't prepared for it. I didn't trust God to help me through it, and the stupid choices I made were shown to me by how everything ended up.
The thing is, as sad as I am that everything has changed, I'm beginning to find joy in it. Sure, I still get really hurt when I find out about hang outs on breaks that I wasn't invited to, or stories that I wasn't there to experience, but things changed, and I've moved into a new world.
I get so much crap for dwelling on the past, but seriously, how can anyone not? What we all shared was the most fun part of my life, and God truly blessed us in the times we shared.
Things are different now, and I'm happy. I now realize what a true friend is. I've seen for myself the reasons why I don't trust many people, let alone myself.
In the end, I deserved better. I shouldn't have allowed myself to hold on to something that would inevitably be destroyed be gossip and made up stories.
I'm not perfect, and I know that. My world is so harsh, bit I will trust in God that he'll get me through it all. He's brought new people into my life that have made me realize how much better I deserved. I would have blamed myself for everything, including friendships, ending if it weren't for them. Yeah, I made mistakes, bit I never intentionally tried to hurt anyone.
Besides. You made me choose. Do you remember that? What kind of friend forces another to choose? I deserved so much more than that.
I miss it so much, but I'm better off now. I'm healing.
I'll never completely understand what it is that ultimately brought this all out, but... I don't want to know.
I'm so blessed, and though things have changed, I only somewhat have. I'll still hold true to what I believe in, and even if they're not always the right ones, I stand by my choices.

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