So it's been a while. I guess the reason is because I get my relaxing writing done in my new planner. However, I now have over an hour to kill before my next class, so I guess typing on my iPod will eat some of that.
I've been extremely fearful recently. Not only of big things like my future or my relationships, but also of tiny things, like the dark and the bumps in the night. I'm probably just being paranoid, but I can't find a reason for any of it.
Then there's my thoughts. I find myself zombie my way through driving and classes, but somehow it feels like I'm preoccupied with something. I can't hear my own thoughts on it, but I feel like I'm blocked by something. Dread? Fear? Love? I can't figure it out. All I know is that it all makes me feel so alone.
I heard a song this morning that reminded me of a time after Peter Clyde. It was when I had finally been able to and had chosen to move on. He tried to break me. Tried to force me into something I'm not. He wanted me to be a different kind of person. He wanted me to believe he was right in everything, and would never listen to my point of view. But I really understand now, and it makes me stronger. Thinking about what Peter was makes me feel sick. He was such an angry person towards me, and I don't think he'll ever understand that. He wanted me to be like him so badly. But the thing is, I'm me. I won't be anything else, ever. Peter was angry because I was now with one of my friends. A friend who was someone just like me. It makes me feel sick that anyone could be so selfish. Now I'm not suffocating. Now I can relax. Now I'm happy.
Nick, if you see this, you're wonderful. Your imperfections make m love you. Don't ever change.